Girl Naked and Guilty

There is not a time in my life that I haven't been at least somewhat concerned about my body. Who's with me! From stats I've seen, I have at least three quarters of North American women nodding along. Therefore, I was quite proud of myself for agreeing to pose nude for a breast cancer calendar. Last year.

My mother died of breast cancer 11 years ago and therefore it is a cause near and dear to my heart. I have volunteered for programs that help kids deal with the fact that their parent has cancer, I do the charity runs and have a lot of "pink" things. When the opportunity arose to be a part of such a beautiful and health promoting (breast cancer awareness and promoting positive self images/self esteem) project I jumped right in and said "YES!". Them I thought "OH NO!"

This is where the guilt comes in and I actually quite dislike myself for it. A lot. I hate my tatas. I always have. They are really small. So much so, that I requested that my picture be one that I am covering them with my arm. I worry about the look of them everyday. I buy padded bras, have the chicken cutlets, have padded bathing suits and am always conscious of camouflaging/ covering/ hiding them in more "shared" times (and therefore not really ever just being "in the moment" because I'm thinking about what I think he might be thinking about them). I would get surgery but am more afraid of scarring that I am of placing potentially lethal chemicals into my body.

I feel so disgusted with myself that I am so vain about something that in reality, I should be thanking God for just being healthy. I saw on a daily basis what my mom went through. She was the bravest woman I have ever known. I miss her EVERYDAY! So many woman are not only scarred from breast cancer but lose their lives, have to leave their families and I am so overwhelmingly consumed with "it sucks they're so small". When really, after thinking about it I should be saying "it sucks that you are such a small person".

They say you can't fix something unless you know it's broken. I am realizing how broken that thought is. I'm trying to fix it.

I was asked to pose again this year. I feel guilty because I'm having a hard time saying yes.